No such thing as reliving the past

I left with a heavy heart, feeling like I am leaving behind a big part of me – something I’ll probably never see again. At first, I thought it was my home, my people, my things, my life. I missed it all dearly and hoped that I can relive it all one day.

The universe conspired and soon there came a time, when I finally got a chance to revisit what I left behind. I counted backwards and waited until that day arrived.

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Nothing much had changed. The buildings still stood where they did. The roads & traffic had gotten a bit worse. The food that I missed so much still tasted as delicious. Meeting everyone I knew once was great – we laughed, we cried, we reminisced on old days and thought how much we missed it all. It was so good to be back & I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

Anything but this little something that was still missing. It was there when I left the first time but it wasn’t there now. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew it was missing. What was it? Why wasn’t it there when everything & everyone else was? Why didn’t it just come back like everything else? Would I ever find it again?

For years I pondered over and its not until now that I realized something. The little something that went missing, was simply a version of ‘me’. It’s that version that I thought was the happiest ever, and at the time of leaving, I didn’t think I would be as happy ever again. After I left, I kept telling this to myself and prevented myself from finding happiness in new things that life was offering me. As more time passed, I eventually started finding my own little happinesses and slowly started letting go of that version of me, that I thought was the happiest. I am now a brand new version of me. And the thing is – that I am still happy.

There is no comparison whether I was happier then or now. If I still am who I was then, I may not be that happy. I changed. And now with the changed me, if I were to go back to my old life, I wouldn’t be as happy either. There will always be something missing in reliving the past, and that something is a me that is forever lost in the sands of time.

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